By Sarah Frick, President

50 Shades Movie Poster (photo courtesy of Google Images)

50 Shades Movie Poster (photo courtesy of Google Images)

Real talk: I can remember the trip to the grocery store when my mother giddly placed 50 Shades of Grey into the cart. The subsequent days of her and I trying to piece together what exactly was the mass appeal of a book which glorifies an obviously corrupt and abusive relationship, are equally memorable. And yet even though 50 Shades of Grey goes against almost every belief I hold about a healthy relationship, I have never been more excited to see a movie. By excited I mean mildly terrified to watch people getting sexxed up in the company of strangers, but thrilled for an excuse to eat those gross cookie dough bites that only taste good in the theater.

Just like it’s hard to pull your eyes away from the scene of a car crash, 50 Shades has all the appeal of a disaster. It has the trifecta necessary to qualify as a  “this is going to be awful, grab the popcorn” movie. There’s bad acting, unrealistic everything, and a pretty man who rocks a button up. Think Twilight, but with BDSM instead of vampires. To clarify, there is nothing “cute” or “romantic” about the relationship between the two characters. After meeting at an interview, businessman billionaire Christian Grey becomes obsessed with college senior Anastasia Steele. To be honest, if I knew absolutely nothing about the plot going into it, I would have thought I was watching a horror movie about a billionaire serial killer. Like how many billionaires do you know like to stock up on extensive amount of rope, tape, and zip ties. Or how often does your boyfriend travel cross country to show up unannounced with a snide comment about your alcohol consumption. What it comes down to is, Christian Grey’s impression of Norman Bates can never count as any form of wooing or courtship, because his “flirting” matches up with all the red flags of a criminal.

The biggest parts, dare I say gimmicks, of 50 Shades are the extensive sex scenes. Which really end up just being a lot of nipple,  indistinguishable  body parts, and panting rivalling a heavyset Saint Bernard in August. The biggest plot line of the movie is Anastasia’s conflict about whether or not to formally agree to being Christian’s submissive by signing an actual contract. You know, rather than explain all this, lets just leave it at this: Don’t bring your grandmother to see 50 Shades.

100% go see 50 Shades of Grey. Go with your friends, go with your mom, maybe bring a priest. It’s truly an amusing experience once you become accustomed to the humping. But really don’t expect to gain any useful knowledge. Unless what you plan to learn is the exact opposite of what to do when an attractive rich man buys you things and tells you to stop drinking cosmos.